ANYTHING but PARANORMAL...

THAT is the name of my new show on PARAXVISION, BITCHES!!! Awwww, yeah, you bettah reckanize!!!

Okay, so check it. If you are reading this blog, you must have some interest in the paranormal, or - at the very least - an interest in mocking those who have such an interest, and that is OKAY. But the drama is totally out of control.

I think the scientific ratio of actual paranormal activity in the world of paranormal drama is 1% ghosts and 99% "Oh my GOD you guys are stupid and if you think ghosts are real then you are, like, so stupid, and I hate you, and your mom is a TWAT, and I am TOTALLY reporting you to FACEBOOK!" That is an actual scientific FACT.

It's really time for those haters to buy a new dress...seriously.

So, in the spirit of unification, and bringing about an example that we, as in paranormal authors, investigators, ghost-hunters, et al., are people, too, I am going to just give you a brief rundown of my group...a little "behind the scenes," if you will.

I'll start with ME. Before I was a published author several times over (yeah, that's right, and now a host of my own SHOW, thank you very much), I worked in call center after call center, selling my soul to "the man," for a marginal paycheck and a huge portion of my soul. My world revolves around Mikal and our children. I am a terrible cook, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE going to yard sales and thrift stores. There is a gold mine of discarded fabulousness just waiting to be flipped on ebay...seriously. I was also security backstage at a Debbie Gibson concert once. I spent much of my pre-Mikal life surrounded by people who doubted me, mocked me, and, at times BEAT ME because I was such a burden to them, and they didn't like me waking them up because I needed to go to work. I still knew, though, that if I just waited it out, I was going to be able to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, and I would "find my tribe." I finally have, and no amount of hate and loathing is going to do anything for me except fuel my fire.

Next up, Mikal. Mikal had a hard life and a checkered past. I'll stop there. We found each other, and knew almost instantly that we were absolute soulmates. He is an awesome photographer, has a pitch-perfect singing voice, and makes the BEST Mexican rice. He never minds when I make him listen to the Wicked soundtrack for the millionth time, and he calls me "darling." If you think that makes him stupid and hateful, then I think YOU are stupid and hateful.

Patrick...my co-author Patrick loves sushi and karaoke, but hates it when people misspell his name. People always misspell his name. Well, that's when they manage to include it. It's kind of a fun little game at this point. Patrick is also ridiculously smart, and politically passionate, and has managed to survive twice being married to insane, insufferable bitches. In spite of those disruptions, he is an accomplished artist and is also a first-degree black belt. If you think that makes him some dumbass who is stupid enough to like ghosts, go right ahead, but I probably wouldn't say that to his FACE.

Mo...Well, MAUREEN. She didn't start going by "MO" until after she left home and was trying to be all badass with her feathered hair and eyeliner back in like 1988, or something. Most assuredly one of the funniest people I know, she never backs down from an argument, and is sure to win. She is logical and sarcastic and outspoken. She also tends to stare at people with unabashed disregard for social courtesy. Mostly people who are dressed terribly, or if she is straining to eavesdrop on a conversation. She also has exactly zero tolerance for stupidity. She is excelling in her RN studies while managing to keep her 4 teenage sons in line. Like the rest of us, she is pulling herself up by her bootstraps to make a better life, and she enjoys paranormal investigating. Again, if you think that makes her some dumb bitch because she believes in ghosts, then get James Randi on the phone so she can make him cry like a bitch and then thank her for being so understanding. OH, and she'll TAKE HIS SHOES, TOO!

CLINT!!!! Clint is crazy like a fox. Also putting himself through school, he is probably the most tattooed and pierced member of this (or any other) investigation group. Before we saved him from another local group of rambling idiots (what, did I just say something para-dramatic?), Clint had spent a number of years as a DJ in Amsterdam, provided security to a number of high-profile celebrities visiting the Seattle area, appeared on several episodes of Little House on the Prairie, and even dated the fellow who played "Crater Face" in Grease. Yeah, I said he dated a guy...get over it. Clint has an amazing voice for storytelling, and says the most wonderfully inappropriate things. We love him, even though he made us watch Showgirls. Just typing that last sentence made me throw up a little in my mouth.

Paige is crazy. Paige is flying below the radar right now, leaping flaming hoops through her own ass to graduate in a month, but she did manage to find the time recently to roll her car down an embankment while carrying a large amount of plaster of paris (sp?) and a gorilla suit. She also carries a machete with her at all times, and always likes to keep the border patrol on their toes by always carrying a bizarre collection of material non-sequitors in the back seat of her car.

Mario is intense. He also hates sock puppets with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

How could we not have these "kats" in the group?

Anyway, the point is this: Every group is made up of members that have equally beautiful "crazy quilt" lives. Instead of tearing each other down, lets just have a silly, crazy fun time between investigations, and not be so shitty to each other...what a revolutionary concept! Now, I'm not saying there aren't assholes out there, because there are, and I'm not saying there aren't shit-stirrers out there, because there are. I'm just saying this, "Why the hell do the rest of us even give a crap?" Trust me, I used to be the biggest hater of them all, but then it occurred to me one day that they are just people. That's it.

And that's just what I am going to prove on my show...I promise you will learn stuff you never even thought you wanted to know, about people who you never thought would ever do anything crazy!!! If I can just get one person to piss themselves laughing, then I will have done my job well...

STAY TUNED!!!!